Flashbacks and Rumors
by BlackwolfBreen
Summary: One-shot based on Past Endeavors. Sirius and Remus get married and Fred and George discover it years later, much to their dismay. Not slash, sorry.


"Do you, Moony, take this mutt to be your unlawfully wedded husband?" Lauren looked up from her spellbook and grinned darkly at the both of them where they stood.

Remus glanced quickly over at Lauren and, seeing her twirl her wand in the air and making the decision to keep all of his limbs intact, said, "I do."

Lauren's eyes twinkled as she stopped twirling the wand and pointed it straight at Sirius. "And do you, Paddykins, take this werewolf to be your unlawfully wedded husband... umm, thing?"

Sirius sent a glare her way and forced out the words "I do" through clenched teeth.

Lauren grinned even wider and slammed the spellbook shut. "I now pronounce you boy and mutt. You may now kiss the-"

"DIVORCE!" Sirius shouted. "I demand a divorce! Where are the papers?"

"We don't have any. And that was a bad idea," Rosemary snickered. "May Lauren have mercy on your soul."

The door to the Boy's Dormitory opened and everyone looked that way, surprised. In walked James, who had just come back from the Quidditch Pitch. He looked from Sirius to Remus and back again, then to Lauren standing with them, and Rosemary sitting nearby. "Am I interrupting something?"

Rosemary grinned. "Sirius and Remus just got married."

"Because you forced us to!" Sirius said.

Rosemary raised a finger. "Technically, SHE forced you, not me. I just thought it would be funny and came along to watch."

James laughed. "Nice one, Lauren. All this time, going out with you was just a cover- and Remus... Well, for all we know..."

"Umm... I'm not gay." Everyone ignored Remus.

"See, this is how rumors get started." Sirius said, sounding upset.

Lauren studied her fingernails nonchalantly. "See, this is also how you get hexed."

"You guys..." Remus tried again. "I'm not gay. Seriously." He went ignored once again.

James looked at Remus, then Sirius. "So... who pitches and who catches?"

Rosemary made a disgusted noise and covered her ears. "Ohh, bad images!"

Lauren chuckled darkly."They haven't had the honeymoon yet... but my bet is Remus pitches."

"Hey!" Sirius said, sounding offended. "Now, this is going too far."

"No, it went too far when you decided to turn gay." Lauren smirked.

James stepped away from Sirius. "Just keep your distance, Fluffy. And you, too, Fluffy Number Two."

Fluffy Number Two sighed. "But we're not-"

"Then why would you get married? That's a stupid idea," Lauren said, receiving a look from Sirius that clearly said, "I know you didn't just say that."

"I demand a divorce." Sirius twisted his face into an annoyed pout, looking very much like a child. "If you won't get me the legal documents, I'll just have to make some up." He snatched a piece of parchment Remus had pulled out of his pocket.

"You can't do that!" Lauren shouted, trying to snatch the parchment back. Sirius produced a quill from his robes and began to scribble. Apparently, he had bought this quill complete with ink already... Much to Remus' horror.

"You can't write on the Map!" Remus said, also trying to get the parchment from Sirius, who was holding it out of the way. "That'll never come out! It'll be stuck in the Map's memory forever- remember those things we wrote about Snape? Sirius, NO!"

James and Rosemary were both laughing so hard they were close to tears as they watched their friends scrambling to get the Marauder's Map from Sirius, who started reading as he wrote.

"I, Sirius Orion Black... do hereby... REMUS, STOP IT!- DIVORCE Remus John Lupin... because... Lauren can't... force me... to... actually... marry... that-" Sirius suddenly stopped reading as he wrote because Lauren had succeeded in confiscating the Map.

"That WHAT, Sirius?" Lauren asked, sounding as though she was just looking for a reason for Sirius to get into trouble with someone other than her today. "Remus, he was going to call you something. And I don't think it was too nice a name."

Remus, however, wasn't listening. He was trying to rub the ink off of the Map without much luck.

* * *

"We know you made the Marauder's Map-"

"And we were wondering-"

"About a certain thing we came across..."

Sirius, Remus, Lauren, and Rosemary looked over at Fred and George Weasley, a little interested at the fact that they knew about the Map.

"Map? What map?" Mrs. Weasley asked sternly. If it had anything to do with the twins and the Marauders, it was bound to be bad.

"Nothing to be concerned about, Mrs. Weasley. I assure you it is completely harmless." Remus said.

Lauren grinned. "I can't believe you two, of all people, found the Map." The twins both grinned back.

"Harry, can we see the Map a moment?" Fred asked. Harry passed the Map a little nervously, eyeing Mrs. Weasley. She sent a slightly disapproving look towards the Marauders.

"I solemnly swear-" Fred started.

George finished with, "That I am up to no good."

The seemingly empty piece of parchment suddenly started showing a map of Hogwarts castle, and across the top of the Map were the words 'Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Mses. Breen and Tyra proudly present the Marauder's Map'.

"I solemnly swear that this will never be mentioned again," Fred and George said simultaneously.

Sirius and Remus' eyes widened at each other. They knew in an instant what the twins had found. Both Lauren and Rosemary tried to surpress laughter. Everyone else in the room looked confused, but they didn't have to wait long to find out what was going on.

"I, Sirius Orion Black," Read Fred. "do hereby-"

"Divorce Remus John Lupin because Lauren can't-"

"Actually force me to marry that-" Fred stopped. "And that's where it leaves off."

George grinned towards Sirius and Remus. "So, we were just wondering what that was all about."

Harry, Ron, and Ginny looked as though they were hiding amusement at this, and Mrs. Weasley and Hermione looked rather disapproving of it all.

Sirius turned to Lauren and stared at her, addressing Remus quietly. "I thought you said it would never be found, Remus."

"I said it was highly probable that it would never be found, not that it would never be found." Remus answered back quickly.

Lauren and Rosemary, unable to contain their thoughts on the matter, burst out laughing. Harry, Ron, and Ginny joined in the laughter a little quieter, figuring that it was alright for them to do so.

"But you used THAT as the password?" Sirius hissed at Remus. "No, that's not obvious at all, is it?"

"It was better than your idea, Sirius! Honestly- 'We're not gay'? Who in the WORLD wouldn't have guessed-"

"Wait, wait, there's more!" George piped up over the laughter that had started dying down so that everyone could hear. "Here- it says, 'I, Remus John Lupin, do hereby refuse to sign any sort of papers about or vaguely about a divorce. Ha ha, you're stuck with me, Sirius.'"

Sirius stared at Remus. "You... you wouldn't dare."

Remus' jaw dropped slightly. "Sirius, I swear it wasn't- Check the handwriting! It's not mine!"

George passed over the Map, which Sirius took eagerly as he studied the handwriting. "It looks like yours."

They were all too preoccupied to notice Lauren get up from her seat and start walking off quietly.

"Well, it's not mine!' Remus said, pointing at the parchment. "Look- Someone get me a quill and ink, please."

Sirius set the Map down. "How do we know your handwriting hasn't changed since then?"

Remus sighed. "Can't you just take my word for it, then? I've never made any sort of advances- ever-"

"LAUREN ARIANA BLACK." Sirius said loudly, still looking at Remus.

Lauren turned around quickly, grinning a bit innocently. "Yes, Paddykins, my dear?"

Sirius turned and smiled. "You don't happen to know anything about this, do you, honey?"

"Err..." Lauren's grin vanished. "No. Not at all. Remus never let me in on it."

Rosemary snorted in laughter. "That's likely." Lauren flashed her a glare.

"Well," Sirius answered. "Remus says it wasn't him. You're the next susp-"

"Umm... Sirius," Remus interrupted, pointing at the Map. "You might want to-"

Sirius looked down. More words had formed themselves beneath the others. "Mr. Padfoot would like to let it be known that he was just joking about a divorce, and asks that Remus not be too angry at him." Sirius looked at Lauren, disgusted. "I never wrote that!"

"See?" Remus said. "And that was never me before."

By now, both Lauren and Rosemary had leaned over the parchment to read it. Rosemary now read the words that kept forming across the Map. "Mr. Moony apologizes for ever being cross and would like to say that he could never be angry with his fluffy-wuffy Babykins." She glanced over at Remus and wrinkled her nose. "Ewww."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Babykins?" He glanced over at Mrs. Weasley. "Maybe we should move this little show to another room. There are young ears present and there's no telling how fluffy-wuffy Moony's Babykins is going to get, even though I don't remember writing ANY of this."

With that, the four of them left for somewhere upstairs away from the ears of both the company downstairs and Kreacher, who was muttering to himself rather loudly about various foul peoples being in his Mistress' house. Fred and George stood to walk nonchalantly out with them, but Mrs. Weasley stopped them. They, however, had been taking full advantage of the fact that they could use magic outside school this year, and they pulled out their wands just out of her sight.

"Lauren, if you had anything to do with this..." Sirius eyed his wife.

"Well..." She said. "It was SOOO long ago... I don't remember if I had anything to do with it."

"Just for the record," Rosemary broke in. "I've been gone for fourteen years, and you know how my memory is, so I don't know anything about this either... in case you were wondering." They just looked at her. "I'll shut up now."

"Let's see what I had to say to that, then, shall we?" Sirius looked down at the Map again, not sounding too happy now. "Mr. Padfoot would like to rename himself Mr. Babykins in honor of his Smoochiepoochie, who should really consider renaming himself as well. (Just kidding, but not really.)"

Both Lauren and Rosemary burst out laughing once more at the name, but Remus looked horrified. "Ohh, don't tell me..." His voice trailed off and Sirius continued.

There was a note of dread in Sirius' voice. "Mr. Smoochiepoochie..." Sirius stopped and looked up. "Come ON, Remus. I'm not reading that."

"What? What are you not reading? What's so bad- OHH." Remus' face went pale. "Sirius if you were ever my friend, you'd believe me when I say I never ever wrote any of this."

Sirius turned very slowly to look at Lauren, who was trying to look as innocent as she could.

Suddenly there was a loud noise and the Weasley twins appeared on either side of Sirius. There were surprised noises from the other four.

George grinned. "Wow, we never got to this part."

"For good reason, ehh, George?" Fred laughed, reading the last thing "Mr. Smoochiepoochie" wrote.

Sirius quickly closed the Map and shoved it in his coat pocket. "Show's over, boys. I'm sure your mother won't mind hearing that you're up here..."

Everyone turned to look at Sirius. Lauren was the first to speak. "Come on, Sirius... When we were their age-"

Rosemary groaned. "Ohh, don't start saying that 'when I was your age' stuff! We're not THAT old... are we?"

Lauren scoffed. "HOW many years were you gone? Add that to seventeen, then add on four more years. Is that old to you?"

"Fourteen years later and she's still just as sarcastic as ever," Rosemary muttered under her breath. "And it's only three years for me- I'm a year younger. Ha."

"AS I WAS SAYING, Sirius, before I was SO rudely interrupted..." Lauren shot a quick glare Rosemary's way. "There's no more harm in them being up here than US being up here."

"But this doesn't concern them." Remus said, and Sirius nodded in agreement.

Lauren shrugged. "Boys will be boys, and they're just curious. Were you in their shoes you wouldn't let an opportunity like this pass by. And just look at them-" She pointed at Fred and George. "They're following in our footsteps."

"Every one-" George nodded.

"Step by step." Fred agreed.

Lauren smirked. "It's like we've got kids of our own already."

"Yeah," Sirius said under his breath. "But thank goodness she didn't name them. They'd wind up being Sirius Albus One and Sirius Albus Two. If they're lucky, they'll both be boys." Remus and Rosemary laughed a little, and Sirius unfolded the Map again. At least four more lines had appeared already. "Just how much did you write on this thing, Lauren?"

Lauren's eyes widened. "ME? I didn't do anything!"

"Come on, we know you better than that," Remus laughed. "Shall we get a penseive and check your memories for you?"

"Actually, Sirius..." Rosemary looked over the paper to read what was written. "I think I might have helped with these."

Both Remus and Sirius' heads turned her way. "YOU WHAT?"

"I... Yeah. I remember writing these, I think. Maybe a little bit. OWW!" Rosemary winced as Lauren's hand firmly hit the back of her head.

"You weren't supposed to say anything, DiNozzo!"

"Can't we just... forget this ever happened, then?" Rosemary asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes, since it worked SO well last time..." Lauren Gibbs'd him as well. "Hey! Stop hitting people, will you? Maybe we can just... burn the Map, that way-"

There was a simultaneous "NOOO!" from the other three. Remus snatched the Map back from Sirius and folded it carefully, then put it back in his pocket.

"Are you insane, Sirius?" Lauren asked. "All the memories, all the fun times I had stealing it from you guys, hiding it, writing harmless little... fibs in it-"

"Like this one, for instance?" Sirius couldn't help but smile. So there was more... He almost wanted to find out just what else she had written on the Map so many years ago, especially if it wasn't about him.

"We can't burn the Map," Rosemary said. "Like Lauren said, we've got too many memories in it."

"Then we need to lock this little... incident away. Forever," Sirius nodded. "There's no way I'm letting this fall into the hands of Snivellus."

Rosemary smirked. "He has a name now, Sirius. Or so I've heard." She looked to the Weasley twins for confirmation.

"He's Snivellus to us..." They said simultaneously, grinning at each other. "As of about two seconds ago."

"Why not just leave it where it is, Sirius?" Lauren asked. "Everyone knows about it already, and we're married now so nobody's going to think anything of it..." She smirked and added sarcastically. "After all, we were just a bunch of foolish kids back then."

The other three laughed and nodded in agreement. Perhaps they could just let it slide...

"-Besides," Lauren continued. "Harry'll probably be needing it this year... And there are plenty of things worse than that for him to unlock in there. I made sure of that."

"LAUREEEEN!"

Lauren got to her feet as quickly as she could and bolted out of the room, Sirius hot on her heels.

"YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS!"


End file.
